klothed half off

Ready your shin pads and gum shields, it's time for the January Sales. A yearly event that:

a) makes articles of clothing 10 times more exciting thatn they were in October

b) an event that starts a full 5 days before the month of January.

I could spend an entire page banging on about the depressing nature of consumerism and big business, but this page is not a haven for placards and angry students wearing fair trade t-shirts.

The fact is, for slightly less money than you would have spent a month before, you can be a card carrying member of the fashion It List. Granted, in the blink of an eye your purchase will be on the wrong side of the Hot or Not column is some below average magazine but fear not, for a brief moment in time you will be a winner.

The only thing more enjoyable than saving three pounds on a plain vest with an acceptable label is the visual accompaniment of humans flying up and down the aisles like anxious particles in the large hadron collider.

I am aware that I have little room to critique other peoples fashion choices as I often leave my house looking like I dressed myself in a dark cupboard, however I would still like to offer some advice.

What may seem like your last chance to save money on an item of clothing that only became desirable when it was plastered with sale stickers is in fact a yearly demonstration of smoke and mirrors.

When you feel the urge to jump up and down in excitement at the entrance to Topshop like an 8 year old with a handful of jelly beans, remember the more salient element of the trade machine. There is always a sale to be had. It is no different to the February Sale and the inevitable March and April Sales.

Before you don your protective head gear and venture on to the high street to do battle over a pair of bootcut jeans, take a moment to say to yourself, "I am (insert name here). I am (insert positive intellectual attribute here). You do not have to (insert example of negative consumer behaviour)."

You're fine just the way you are. (If you are reading this article whilst naked or wearing some novelty erotic underwear, please ignore that compliment.)